Shame on the victim or attacker?

Have you noticed that hypocrisy lies when a man is stolen his purse on a road or gets beaten up for some or say no reason, then people, newspapers, magazines, and news channels boo the attacker but what happens if the same thing happens with a woman? Whenever a woman is attacked, teased, or faces any kind of violent and uncivilized behavior the burden of shame is on the victim, not the attacker! How on earth can you justify this?

It’s so widely practiced one cannot imagine the number of women holding on to this shame of wrongdoings that were forced onto them. What’s wrong is wrong. It needs to stop. So, if you are someone who has been done wrong or ever faces this situation or your loved ones are in this place — come on this journey with me to learn and unlearn things that you might never be taught in the books or by your elders, but you need to know in order to survive and live comfortably in your skin.

We all know how well we are taught to not get connected with our body while at the same time to take care of it so that our sex partner can have the best experience.

Yes, that’s the first thing we need to unlearn. Our body is the property we are born with. No one else has ownership of our body no matter who the second person is. And when anyone steals anything from this property, stand for the justice you deserve and take the responsibility of giving yourself the care you need. The word shame does not belong to you under the conditions under which you were forced. It does not define you or your character.

Every other woman who has gone through bad sexual experiences might have held on to the trauma it offered. Firstly, I am sorry for the pain you had to suffer or if still have to. But babes what’s the next step now? Is it the end? Will it remain forever? No, it should not and will not, and it’s the person saying from her own experience.

We ladies are nurtured in a way that we gossip about everything else but when it comes to something like this, we become speechless. It’s okay to be speechless till when it’s the journey of your healing because your body and mind need time to accept things on their own. But what’s problematic is that when you don’t talk about it out of shame and fear of why did it happen to you? What’s wrong with you? You start tearing out your own skin to the bones, but it should be another way always. It happened to you because they were not raised well, they do not know how to function properly, it’s everything wrong with them. They are to be blamed, not you. That also is only valid till you stand up for yourself and others who go through these things. Believe it’s the shame on the wrongdoer but would be brave of you to fight back.

Fighting does not end with them being punished. It ends when you heal. When an event happens where someone forces you to do something without your will or performs any kind of violence verbal or physical — your brain and body get affected in different manners. After that particular moment, your brain learns the event to make you distanced from such happenings in the future. It’s stored in the back of your mind for the rest of your life and keeps you extra aware of your environment to avoid going through the pain again. The moment you are somewhat near or are in the same conditions or environment, your wounded mind freezes, and the body shuts down. Now, this time if you are in a safe environment and with a safe person, your mind and body respond the same way to not re-live the pain. That is a sign of trauma.

Well, be it sex or trauma both are individual topics that we avoid talking about, imagine how difficult it would be to talk about both topics altogether — sexual trauma? We need to dig the grave deeper but it’s worth it. Sexual trauma can make you hate yourself and your body if not treated. It disconnects us from our bodies. Different experiences can make us feel different and it’s totally okay to feel different. The more we learn to embrace and normalize the different feelings we feel, the more it becomes easy to heal. It helps us to be in the moment so that we relearn our experiences and the past becomes past slowly.

Healing is a process. It is not achieved in a single day. This journey is not easy. Some days you will feel I want to get out of it, someday you might just want to lie down and not feel anything, someday it will be so passionate or frustrating and some days will be extremely painful. But the pain you will feel throughout this journey, remember it is the healthy pain. It’s rebuilding the scattered parts of you.

Also, the process won’t just go in a flow. You may cover 300 miles and then discover it was just two steps. Have faith in yourself. You will begin, slowly move, and slowly adjust to the next level and sometimes possibly come back to zero and then again reach a new level. Throughout your way don’t assume you are ready until it’s really done. Stay honest with yourself and be aware of when you are actually ready. Keep “no” handy whenever it feels like to use.

Talking about this helps in different ways. It gives us the space to accept ourselves. It eliminates the feeling of isolation that we are the only ones. When we know that we are not alone to go through this, we know that there are people out there who understand our pain. Try to share more with the people and try to connect with them. The more we get to know others the more we learn about ourselves. Also, on this journey, you will meet other people who are in different places their journey, don’t compare yourself to them. Everyone has different experiences with a different history and a different approach to their journey. No two wounds in the world are the same as one another and no two wounds are more or less to one another. Stay aware of these facts too.

Moreover, it’s a possibility to find less supportive people in these times because we are still living in a society where a woman is expected to behave in a certain manner. The divided roles of patriarchal society have made women be prisoned in their own bodies. We are taught to breathe, think and live to the limits in which society is comfortable. It’s not only today’s call but has also been practiced for so long that it is rooted in our culture. We assume that this is how it has to go. Put tape on your mouth, tie your hands and move your feet under their thumb because that’s what your duty is. Nah! Stop right there, ladies. Right and wrong don’t get decided based on gender. Bullshit is the thought of carrying shame on you. Understand no matter whatever kind of violence it is — to you, your mind, your body, your soul. The doer needs to hold the responsibility. It’s on them if they forced anything on you. So, the number of supportive people should not define these steps. Even if no one is there, be independent for your healing.