Did I escape or found a stage?

Being a person with fucked up mind and messed up relations in life, I was desperate to feel good, be it good about anything or anyone. I had been on the edge for so fucking long time that I forgot how to be happy and feel free in my body. But this story isn’t about juggling through my sorrows. It’s about the starry eyes sparking up my darkest nights. I found someone — with whom I have no idea how long I will be and who is he. I mean it’s the risk I got into, but I happily did.

I hesitantly texted him on Instagram and confessed how I felt about him. It was literally the first time that I approached someone! I texted without expecting any reply from his side. I did not expect and then he was there. I jumped out of my place and could not stop myself from getting excited! I forgot everything. Suddenly something inside me changed. We were only texting and talking about each other, but it felt like a fresh start.

Deep down in my heart, it was a fresh start. Beginning of something that does not carry the burden of the future. Every second of a gap of his replying felt like even if this is the end, I’m still happy with whatever I got. We talked and talked and kept talking. I still remember the heavy rain that day. The rain I was cursing for not letting me go outside earlier suddenly changed into a blessing because that’s when I could finally breathe. I was waiting, smiling, thinking, and loving myself all over again — just like I used to do way back longer.

Of course, it was there in my head that what if he is also like other creepy boys I had, and what if it’s all just a fraud and all for nothing? That didn’t stop me, I had to figure it all out. I had to figure out the person behind these gentle texts. The whole day went like that. The next day I woke up, I checked my phone and texted him back to check if it was still the reality, if it was not just a dream, if all the flowers and the joy could be still felt in my skin. And yes, it was not over, everything was still there, and I was still filled with these surprising chemicals in my veins. Did I tell you how it all started? Hahaha, I was just wondering if you had noticed why would I text anyone randomly.

Actually, I went to a theatre show two months back in which he was the director as well as the lead actor. I loved the character he played. I am not a fan type of person so I knew all this liking will fade away. Unlikely every time it didn’t because at the end of the show when he was introducing his team, he got nervous. That’s when I could connect with him when he struggled with that. Trust me his performance made the character so alive that by now I only call him by the character’s name. Now this nervousness? What was it about I couldn’t stop thinking because he said he gets nervous in front of the audience. Oh, Man! you just completed a whole more than an hour’s play in front of the audience and now when you just need to tell only the names you are speechless and shaking? What? Why? How? These were the three big question marks I got and drove me crazy enough to keep thinking about him. After around two months I finally gathered my strength to talk so I pinged him on Instagram.

All of a sudden, my heartbeat skipped when he asked if could meet. And that was the moment I was flying to the seventh sky. So, the next day was planned for the movie. Till that, I was enjoying the poetry he had in his talking. He talked with such grace; I was flattered. I am always doubtful of the things that are perfect and seem too good to be true. I run away from those things asap, but I couldn’t help myself this very first time to adore. To adore the simplicity in his words, oh god! I am still wondering how he could do that.

The next day when everything was still in the flow, I was about to reach the mall that we had planned. Flow broke when he said that there was a situation and that we would have to postpone the meeting. I remember how I was all back to reality. I was clouded with thoughts like was it really the thing or did he just fool me or am I an idiot to come to meet a stranger without thinking anything else? Anyway, I returned to the metro. It felt like all this time I was just dreaming the fairytale, hey! Anjali welcome back to the world. I was upset while sitting in the rickshaw I got a text from him hey where are you? Again, my life flipped to the reel as I instantly jumped out of the rickshaw. Hoping it’s the cancellation of the canceled plan. Yep, he asked if we could meet now, it’s all good now. We planned this time to meet at my second favorite place in Delhi — South ex. I danced and sang all the way. Just when I saw him and heard his voice for the first time — I knew Anjali you’ll be gone by now.

The time I had was unbelievable because even in reality I could feel him being poetry that I want to listen to more. It just did something to me. It was like I was at such peace that even if I could see him no longer, I would remain peaceful for a long time, and at the same time I wanted more, wanted more to meet him, and keep on unfolding that ocean. Things went really well and unexpectedly a second meet was also planned.

We met under the moonlight this time. I am not sure what was more calming — him or him in this moonlight. I was filled with myself for every second I was around him. For the first time, I was out in the night with a stranger I could trust on. Ahm! I was fearless. He turned me into the poet who was weaving the poem out of his gentleness, sweetness, intelligence, and madness. That night I had someone who could also feel the beauty of art the same way I do. I could feel like the sculptor who knew he was the inspiration that I would love to sculpt my whole life.

I really fucking wanted time to stop and never let him go because I did not know how long it was all gonna be. If we’ll be strangers forever again or if we were going together then hard times in our journey could make me forget the special feeling that I have for this person at this very moment. The process of getting to know this very person was kind of my first-ever special experience. I am not so much a fan of physical or materialistic gestures, but I must admit that when we hugged, I felt the comfort that I know I could never feel in someone this New’s arms. I Unwantedly had to say goodbye, but that night I was already turned into someone else.

When I returned, I was the person I used to be when I was in 7th–8th grade. I was madly and freely living again. I spent the night sitting on my friend’s lap to tell her how exactly I had spent every single second. Will I remain the happy child forever now? I don’t know how much this is gonna last. I still have no idea right now when I am writing this — capturing all of me in words, memories, the sound of joys, and deep breaths. He is out of Delhi for his show that I know will continue for 2 days more. What I am out of knowing is when he would return will he again go out with me as promised or we will be parted on different roads? I have been stalking his Insta account and YouTube profile over and over because this excitement and this sparkle will not be just as same as it is right now -no matter what the future is holding.

Now I am thinking so much, I am scared that he is the escape I entered to save myself from the misery of my tangled problems, or is he the stage that made me dance again to the music of my life? Whoever he is I know I’ll be smiling every time I would think of this. This is the first ever piece I could create when I am in my happy mode. I am almost every time out of words when it comes to these soothing and positive vibes around me. I don’t care if he is an escape from my pain. It doesn’t bother me if he is the stage I do not belong to. What is precious to me is for him to be part of the story that I am writing in the middle of the night. The precious thing is the passion and compassion he taught me in this short period. What is precious is that this is the first time I as an artist could jot down happy words.