Where do we go when we turn mobile data off?

I felt like tears were about to shred. A sensation of relief hits my body. I felt like resting. It felt like coming home to my body. I heard a voice saying, “I’m proud of you. Thank you for being here. Where were you for so long? I kept on calling you and tried so hard to bring you back. But you never did. But now that you are here, I am happy for you. See, I am breathing. See, I am breathing deeply. I am bearing no burden on my head. You are so stubborn; you never listen to me. Can you feel now what I was trying to give you? I have so much for you, you idiot.”

The talk was loud but felt warm. I was amazed but still curious. I asked, “You small piece of shit, what are you talking about?” The voice answered, “What did you just do? Can you recall it?” I recalled I had just turned my mobile data off, put the phone aside, and gone back to sleep. But what’s so great about it? No, fuck yes! Now I know.

I didn’t have my cell phone in grade 8th. At night, I used to sneak into my parent’s room, steal their phone and start chatting over Facebook. Yes, I got caught up many times and got a lot of scolding. But since then, Phones and social media had become my partner. I used to chat a lot with my friends and of course boyfriends. On the nights when I couldn’t get the phone, I either used to be desperate to get it — make more plans about how to steal more efficiently, used to think of the list of people whom I would text and what I would talk about. Or I would be totally relaxed thinking about how the day went, what I would do the next day, and preparing my bucket list. The time went like that and by 9th class, I became an expert to slip the phone easily so hardly I got nights without it. And in the 10th class, I got my personal phone. So, forget about anything else! I started talking over calls and texts the whole night, and hardly slept, then went to school in the morning.

I developed the habit of using my phone so much that I’m realizing it now. It’s 2022 Anjali, I am in my twenties now! The time flew so fast, it feels like all these years I was just waking up the whole night. I never slept. Actually, I never did. Earlier when I was done with chitchatting, I used to turn my data off and then go to sleep, then I started waking up in 2–3 hours and then again continue with chitchat. Then finally, I stopped turning the data off. I put my phone on vibration, sleep till someone texts me, and then wake up by the vibration. Can you see my sleep cycle getting fucked up? Now I can see my whole life getting fucked up.

Device Addiction?

I am not saying that I am addicted to the phone, I am not. The people who are around me know that very well. Whenever I am with people, I do not engage over the phone but it’s the time when no one is. It’s the time when I am worried about things and cannot fall asleep, I take out my phone. Whereas that is the only precious time I have got to myself, and I spend it online. And I think most of us do the same. Now that I can feel I spent years doing the same, I honestly want to run back and change it. If I could go back in time, I would make the younger Anjali braver to face the time she needed and not avoid the difficulties by diverting her mind.

But this time when I turned it off, I could actually feel coming back into my body. I know with time it has become important for my generation to keep their mobile data off because we need to keep ourselves updated with every second, we spend. But I can now feel the difference when the phone does not ring. I can think and talk to myself. Isn’t that equally important? I get divided over the apps; my head is active. But by doing this, I am giving all of myself to the world around me. What did this do to me?

I forgot that I am a person too.

I update my status and share all of my life happenings with others on WhatsApp, Instagram, and LinkedIn.

I forgot to share anything with myself.

I forgot to be happy and unhappy on my own.

It’s like I have got this body, mind, and life but I am the only person with whom I don’t know how to get along with her.

How much do I know about myself? What do I like or do not like? What’s my hobby? How do I feel about all the things I’ve had and lost? Why do I watch what I watch? What do I know about the people around me? What do I live for? Whom do I live for? Years is a long time but what do I want to be like in the next two months? Why the things bother me that bother me? How do I feel about trying so hard be something and someone and not being able to reach there? What is it that I love? If I am not capable of loving now so is this all where I wanna be? Now that I am not happy and free like I used to be, what am I gonna do about it? I am silly but not a kid anymore, now what about it? What am I?

These are the questions I had been living with subconsciously in my head, but I have answers to none of them. It’s not like I never cared about it, I did. But I looked for the answers in the world. Not inside me. I do talk about all these pieces of stuff with others, but I am the one who can answer these questions. I am not sad about sharing all of myself with others, sharing none with myself is the part I am sad about. It’s not about shutting yourself and creating self-isolating patterns. It’s about the balance between yourself and the world. Without answers to these questions, without these talks, without enough amount of time to yourself, there’s no you. There’s no me. It’s all shallow.