Why would a Feminist mother want her daughter to follow the Patriarchy?

No matter how much this idea conflicts with the statement but it is the other side of the coin that we hardly talk about. After finishing a Netflix show: “Feminist: What were they thinking?” I started reflecting on my views and learnings around it. It was the series of Feminist women sharing their stories and the only part that makes sense is that once the butterfly is out of the Cocoon, then why would it want to go back, right? But when I was trying to sleep at night, two female pictures comes into my mind.

Wearing Vintage Tee and Shiny shoes, one girl is fixing up her long hair when she gets out from the backseat of her car. One of the servants carries her bag and drops her to the College. Although she had her father’s money privilege, she was a brilliant student too. For her talent, the sky was the limit. She got selected for Garhwal Rifles, an infantry regiment of the Indian Army. She believed in herself, did hard work, and was ambitious.

Topper in her studies, loud and confident was the other girl. Who took care of the whole family, and was smart enough to fight for herself - she is also an inspiration for everybody around her. She did well in her career as she was also ambitious. She learned everything on her own.

Things didn’t go as planned later in the future but they still have the same spirit. They take decisions on their own - fearlessly. But Both of them taught their daughters to not practice any of the feminist qualities as they did. They are proud of whatever they did and still do. But want to save their daughter from the trap of feminism.

Why?

Because no matter how hard they tried to keep it together for themselves, they failed. The girl selected in Rifles took training but never got the chance to taste the success of reaching the battlefield. Another girl who has just cleared her exams for MA, couldn't continue further. Their families arranged their marriage by the time they hit 22-23.

It's not like that after that never tried anything further. They both tried to fight in their own ways.

Kamla devi from Mumbai, after her training, was made to marry a villager in Tehri, Uttrakhand. She tried to run away several times, even with her children, back to the city. But every time she tried she was sent back to the village to complete her after-marriage responsibilities. She had to now learn to play with knives and spoons with the hands which once used to handle guns. In the office, compensation in her name is still gets issued but the money gets divided among the department over there.

Sheela Nautiyal kept on delaying but eventually got married with a condition that she'll be continuing her studies even after marriage. In the in-law's family, nobody had got an education and had no importance to it. Therefore the promises were broken and she was made to do household chores in the village of Srinagar, Uttrakhand. She later with her husband ran to Delhi and they both started working. She started taking tuition classes, worked in Parlours, and then later became a teacher in a school. She somehow managed to become a working woman.

But throughout their journey, they both couldn't reach where they wanted to. The events can be covered in lines but their struggles are beneath each line. Writing and reading out loud is easy whereas living and experiencing each line of the event described is much far more difficult. They both were scrutinized throughout their journey. I got to learn both stories closely because Sheila is my mother and Kamla is her mother.

They both always teaches me to not follow this path but I was again different from both of them. Since my childhood, I could only see both of them as failed feminists in my eyes and I swore to never be like them. Every day, every time I think about my career my biggest motivation is to challenge and show both of them that we can choose our battle. I always cursed them for getting married and then getting settled after that even when they could have written the most inspiring stories in history.

Well, I just realized they have written the most inspiring story for me. They are failed feminists but that doesn't mean they didn't make any impact. I know I'll hold on to the anger on them for not choosing themselves first, but it’s also true that yes they both are the stories that make me do better, be better, and aim better.

They don’t have the most successful or popular careers. They live ordinary life. But they have zero self-doubts on themselves. My maternal granny still has the spark in her eyes to go to Mumbai and live her dream. My mother still dares to cut down any finger pointed at her to shut her mouth because of her gender, be it a man or woman, anyone. She chose to be independent in terms of money and responsibilities even after her kids were born. They tried to do their best with whatever exposure they could afford.

Isn’t that what defines feminism as the courage to completely own yourself? It is the choice of making your boundaries and saying fuck off to the boundaries set by society. It’s the spirit of creating a path for yourself without giving yourself a second thought about being less just because you are not a man. It’s a daily life culture to follow than just a fancy trending keyword.

So why do they never want me to do this because they don’t want me to go through the pain that they faced? They want me to be good enough for a man so that I can find a good man and I won't have to fight alone. Learn to cook, dress, speak, and get educated so that you can live a happy life with a good man. Because we still face difficulty the moment we as girls become brave enough to step out of the lines that society chooses for us. Because nobody would give a toast to a woman when if she puts herself first. Because here women also want to tear other women apart. Because if you stand up for yourself in a body of a woman here, the luxury of getting love is rare.

Every day is a practice to become a feminist. And in this race, some win and some lose. But everyone taking part in this journey has something to teach us about. I am not sure if they are failed feminists because they inspired me to be brave, fearless, & ambitious, however, they make a strong case study to learn from their mistakes like, what to give up on and when to put yourself above anything in this world. And to really think about “Why would a feminist woman want her daughter to follow Patriarchy?”